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Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
9:58 am
she's got me dancing
Went to the dawning last night- it was fun- I think there's something up with their bar. I could only stay for like an hour because I had to get up early this morning. I can't wait until my wig comes- I'm sooooo excited. I need someone (sara) to get one too!

my stray teddy bear has dead ants on it.
poor bill.
Sunday, August 2nd, 2009
4:32 pm
Second Street
This is home. Yay! I like second st. it's nice here- the windows are huge. The floors are all shiny hard wood. I've got my tapestries, nigerian night stand, the wooden cat from Philly. Phil - my roommate, is running errands. He's a hard cookie to figure out- he doesn't seem like most 26 year old guys. He's quiet, very reserved, likes to do his own thing, is very on schedule, but he's so hard to read. I wish I had something to talk to him about, I just can't ever think of anything to say around him.  I want him to like me alot.

Got a call from J. today. I'm really glad I'm not in Philly. Everything sounds like such a replay that's kept playing for years and years and years. Drugs. Overdoses. Relationship problems. Street cred. Trying to seem tough. I'm tired of that- it's not as if these people don't have any options, they just DON'T LIKE the options they have. They tell me 'oh no I couldn't POSSIBLY go back to my parents house' I know it's embarrassing and it sucks to swallow your pride, but if you're an adult and you're truly fed up with what's happened and you REALLY want to change, then that's just what you gotta do. but whatever- I love my friends, I just don't understand them all the time.

Hmm.... I think my chicken pot pie is done.  So much for the calories worked off at the gym.

Current Mood: cheerful
Sunday, July 26th, 2009
12:03 am
kinda blue
Living in Charlottesville again. At least this time I know that I'm here for good and I'm not always thinking about where I'm GOING to be. I really miss my partner in crime, I hate always thinking about him. I went downtown yesterday and kept wondering what he'd think of everything if he was with me.
Like all the 'liberals' in hippie clothing.  I was passing out flyers for a women's retreat in a local commune with Liz and so we passed one out to a lady in hippie clothing that we thought would probably dig it. She turns to us and says 'is this a lesbian thing?' I tell her no, it's for all women. She then looks us up and down and asks if we are lesbians. We just left.
Or all the blue grass bands that were playing for free downtown and how everyone was dancing along to them. I wondered what he'd think of people being able to be drunk out and about since the drinking laws are so strict in Philly. I wondered what he'd think about the drum circle or the blues musicians or the magicians or all the people. I wondered what he'd think of the punks with southern accents who thought they were bad ass. I wondered what he'd think of the mysterious skin heads who thought they were so anti government. I wondered if he would think I was cool when Liz and I started dancing to techno on a boombox that one of her friends had on the street.  I wondered what he would think, seeing me happy with friends and going out.
I'll never know.

I still feel under the weather. I know why. It's because of those damn pills that I take. I keep making the same mistake over and over again, I keep telling myself 'it's not dope so it's ok.' I still feel shitty though afterward, physically and emotionally. No more pills. I need to just trust that I'll be okay with out them, and I will. I'll have more respect for myself and I won't be so down on myself. Even if I'm not having a great time, at least I wouldn't have taken the pills.

Tomorrow is Sunday July 26 2009.
Laundry
Yoga
Movie
Read
Write
Go for a walk

just take things slow. ease on down the road...

Thursday, June 25th, 2009
5:18 pm
I know where your momma parks her house
And the search for home continues...

I could really go for some dope right about now. Five p.m. Happy Hour yet I'm not happy and there's no one to talk to. ever. i hate everywhere. Nick says if my mom won't talk to me and tells me my family won't either as long as I'm on drugs or in Philly then they aren't really a good family because that means they would dump me for some reason. Yeah. Well he'd rather have me here on dope than have a good life in va.

fuck. i wish i had energy to get out of this shit hole. i can't sit for ten hours on a greyhound cold sweating and nautious and the  train is so god damn expensive. If I lived in a mobile home, I'd be home right now. 
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
6:44 pm
:(
 I have to go back to Charlottesville for good this Thursday. Goodbye Philly. I hate the way everything turned out. I wish my partner in crime would move down with me- I don't know why he wants to stay other than the fact he's stubborn and ''has to live in the city.'' Richmond is a city, but apparently that's just not as cool as Philly. Fucking people and their street cred. Haven't we all had enough? APPARENTLY NOT.

So it's back home. I don't even get to say goodbye to my partner in crime. This sucks. I just don't understand why I thought this guy was as in love as I was. I'm so stupid- you'd think I'd learn after awhile. I'd have moved anywhere for him, I'm pathetic. I was talking to my mom yesterday and she thinks I need to be single for awhile. I have never been single. I don't want to find another guy.
I want my partner in crime. No one else is like him. No one.  He's sensitive, a good writer, has great thoughts and ideas, he's incredibly smart, a critical thinker, he won't let me walk all over him, he's clever, incredibly handsome, the best sex I've ever had, adventurous but able to relax and read and enjoy being at home, he's a cat person, he's quiet, charming, beautiful, and incredibly incredibly stubborn. Even More Than I Am.


I keep thinking how much I hate Philly. Filthadelphia. Killadelphia. Fucking Philly. Heroin capital. Murder capital. But it's not that- I like Philly, I just hate how I will never be able to live up here with out the temptation of everyone I knew and everything that comes along with it. It's just not going to work.

Sunday, June 14th, 2009
2:38 pm
flakey
Jessica annoys the shit out of me. It was Nick's last night in town yesterday so me and Andrew and Nick were all hanging out at my place. We invited Jess to see if she wanted to hang out for a little while, and much to our shock she said she'd have to call us back in five. So after twenty minutes we call her back and she says she has to call us back again. I tell Nick that's code for she doesn't want to come but she's playing the ''nice'' card by not telling us. But he really wants her to come so we keep calling her and we'll hear it ring a couple times and then she'll press the ignore button.  So we were all kinda pissed saying what a flake she always is, but whatever, this always happens. So then today she has the nerve to text me (not even call me) to tell me her ''phone died.'' then she goes on and on in a sympathy text about how sick she is and how she's going through withdrawal again and work is so terrible blah blah blah. Here's a hint: stop being a spoiled brat and take the really expensive medicine to get off heroin that your dad is buying for you. hmmm maybe if you're not a complete junkie you could keep plans? no.... let's not get carried away now.
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
6:42 pm
broken up
Let's see how long I can stay broken up.
MORNING:
-How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your clothes.
-I'll do it later.
- You never do it later. I tell you every day to pick up your clothes, you're not a little kid I don't want to have to keep telling you for months. My roommate asks you to put the toilet seat down. You can't do that. You have to eat my food. I pay for your medicine. I pay for your food sometimes. I let you stay here whenever you want. And you don't even tell me when you're going to come back. You say you'll be back in about an hour and then you show up fou hours later when it's 3 a.m. and my roommates have gone to bed and you yell at me because I called you to see where you were!?
-god now you know all my friends think you're unreasonable. You're crazy! I shouldn't have to pick up my clothes and do the dishes if you won't do the same thing at my house!
-I don't go to your house because I'm worried your ''friends'' will steal shit from me or try to sell me crack!
-God I didn't finish all the food off.
-Thank you for leaving me a pinch of cereal and not throwing the box away. Forget it. Just get out. Out! I want you OUT of my house right now! I'm completely done with this, I don't EVER want to settle for someone treating me so rude again. Get OUT!


I HATE THIS. I hate how I let someone disrespect me so much. I waited and waited and waited because I loved him and really thought he would change back into the man I fell in love with before heroin. I'm so stupid. SO stupid.


AFTERNOON:
I went to the gym and worked out for a long time. I have never sweated so much in my life. Then I jumped in the pool and swam around for awhile.

Did laundry.
Read more of Fools Die.


EVENING:

Hung out with Beth and my roommate Nick. Ordered mexican food (which was WAY over priced and not edible)

Watched tv.

now: anxiously waiting for nothing
Monday, June 1st, 2009
12:40 pm
sex question
I'm listening to the Savage Love podcast (sex topic advice column including fetishes) and a caller called in to talk about in seventh grade he had a relationship with a neighbor girl and they had sex. That wasn't weird. The girl's family had this strong reputation for sexual abuse, so when the girl asked this guy (the caller) to slap her around and humiliate her and throw her out of the house naked. He said he didn't do it because he thought it would be bad news to try and have rough sex after sexual trauma. Dan Savage brought up that the girl might have these fantasies to feel more in control (even if the fantasies weren't ones where she was in control.) and that it might have been a way to heal herself from what happened. What do you think?  ( http://podcasts.thestranger.com/savagelove/archives.php  it's episode 27)
Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
8:00 pm
boys don't cry.
I'm  in West Chester staying in a big empty house with wood floors and grey flowery curtains.  I sat out in the back yard listening to children play in the street. Tons of them, they all live in this neighborhood and there's even a pre school next door. Parents can be heard yelling 'CAR!' and the kids scurry past the little cracks in the wood fence.

Filthadelphia seems like a world away but it's only two hours on subway/bus/commuter train. Nick went back into the city to bring dope back here and I started to cry. i don't know which is worse, the actual life, or accepting it. I wanted so badly for us to make it out together, it's llike we were in some kind of tunnel and then when I got out and I had to get him out too, but maybe we'll never be out together. I don't really know. It all seems so stupid, everything. I'm hanging on to my schedules by a thread. Nick talked about wanting to change. He always talks about it when he's high. I'm sure we'll tell our pretty little hope stories tonight too when we feel okay again.  i think i like the stories better anyway.
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
6:27 pm
success
Finally I had a really successful day today. I took the subways by myself today all the way up to CCP and got everything squared away for my new placement test on June 2nd. The people at CCP are incredibly agrivating. They tell you what other building you should go to (which is in the complete opposite direction from the building that another CCP person told you to go to) and then point as if I'm supposed to find out which building they are directing me to when their finger is just pointing to the door. The secretary was a bitch, but after seeing some of the students she had to put up with, I kind of understood. More than half of the people in line were complaining because they didn't know why they were on academic probation.


The rest of the day was quite adventurous.  I like watching the people in the subway, even the creepy ones who just walk back and forth on the plat forms. I always wonder if I can spot the guys who shit on the platforms at night. A woman in a dark blue/violet shirt and a slinky skirt stood clinging to the pole, she had bright red hair and was reading the newspaper. I don't understand how people can stand and read in a moving train.

I went down to LOVE park and sat on the edge of the fountain with my feet dangling in the water while I talked on the phone for awhile. I watched the sky scrapers scrolling by on Market Street.  It was a beautiful day out and I wasn't even nervous about walking around with no particular place to go after CCP. The sidewalks were crowded with people shopping and bright high heels and tee shirts with no jackets, lipstick, little dogs, and sun dresses.  Business men in suits had their sleeves rolled up and I didn't notice as many people smoking in center city.

I ate a muffin in Rittenhouses square and listened to the guys playing bongo drums. I lay on the grass for about an hour just thinking how much I wished my family could be there with me in the square.
Now- I'm watching Desperate Housewives!
Saturday, May 16th, 2009
12:11 am
i'm listening to Dan Savage's radio show. episode after episode after episode after episode after episode.
Saturday, May 9th, 2009
2:51 pm
this american life
Nick and I broke up a few days ago- it's weird to be on my own. I haven't been single since I started dating...seven years ago. I think it's just too tempting for me to be around Nick and I just feel myself sliding back to where I don't want to go. If I'm really honest about it, I think it just wasn't goin to work with all the resentment we have toward each other.  He hated me for leaving Philly in the first place and I hated him for not getting clean when I did. I don't know- it's all such a mess.

Every day I wake up and I just want to roll over and go back to sleep. What's the point? The point is yoga. grocery shopping. calling CCP for the millionth time. Reading.This American Life.  I just have to keep doing the little things because if I don't- I'll lose everything and I'll be lost. At the end of the day though, that's a blessing. Beth gets home and usually Heather will come over and we'll all have a couple drinks and bitch about everything until it's too late to stay awake.

Nick and I wrote this song called 'girl chose the radio' and it was about my infatuation with This American Life (the radio show on NPR.) He thought it was bougeois and refused to listen to it, but my favorite thing to do is have a glass of wine and listen to This American Life at five. No one can disturbe me between five and six.
So he wrote this song about how I chose the radio over talking to him. It's weird- because in a strange way I guess I did. I choose this life. The boring one with predictability and the few excitements that I love and cherish over the exciting one. this IS my american life.
if anyone is interested in the song, i'll link you to the website it's posted on. you don't have to wait for it to load.
http://drop.io/ncolgan
Friday, May 8th, 2009
2:17 am
victory
I had to get myself back from West Chester by myself and to my delight- I definitely mastered the art. I got on bus 104 going down the West Chester Pike for about an hour and a half until I found my way through the not-so terrifying signs of the 69th street terminal. I just read everything as if it were a book. I read about the group of guys leaning against the subway station door cracking jokes about hotel door men and the chinese guy who kept looking through the glass reflection to meet my eyes.
I switched at the broad street station which was the hardest to navigate. Southbound and Northbound were two different plat forms- I got on the one that didn't say Express. Success.  A woman with high heeled boots got on near Walnut street and slouched her hips to the side when she yelled to the woman who was three seats behind me. Everything was exciting. I twirled the strap of my blue packed bag around my arm not to lose track. I can't lose track. The speakers on my ipod are blasting with Prince and when I get off the Broad street line, I even entered out on the right side of the street.
I did not end up in another town. It was completely triumphant.
Monday, April 27th, 2009
2:43 pm
let's groove tonight
Today:
Make up. Clothes.
Walked to South Street. Almost melted in sweat. Got a smoothie, checked out some clothing stores. Strutted through the italian market listening to 'stayin' alive.' Got some groceries.
Cleaned room/made bed/tidied up kitchen
Yoga

I get into these little health spurts sometimes, but usually they only last a day or two so I better make the most of it while I can. Do you ever have cravings to drink water and bathe in lemon juice?
Thursday, April 16th, 2009
9:51 pm
thought invasion
Been really craving dope. I hate that- for no reason at all these thoughts just invade my head with no way to end them except for going to NA. All day I waited for NA.
Nick is getting on Suboxone on Wednesday so we celebrated by going to South Street and eating pizza at Olympia Pizza. I got a new notebook at Walgreens- I think it's time to start writing in public again.

Tonight I went over to 3rd and Reed to go to a meeting. Hailey was there which was really awesome- I hoped that she would be there still. She and I are going to a diner tomorrow night. She's got this really cool style about her, she's really skinny and wears tons of layers. The roller derby chick was there too, she's not butch like the other girls. She's got hot red hair and a ton of piercings. The guy with no arms was there sitting next to this one guy who looks crazy. He talked about how he left his wife for the tenth time- but everything was going good, despite his mom dying a couple nights ago.  This skinny guy with tight clothes walked me home- he said he was a hair dresser at an upscale salon in Center City. I asked him how much a hair cut was. He said it was cheap. Forty five dollars. hah
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
1:52 pm
Wednesday
Today I woke up at eleven a.m.
Had sex.
Took a shower.
Opened a window to let the cigarette smoke out. It's raining again.
Went Grocery Shopping. (Apples, fruit dip, perogies, casadillas ingredients, diet coke, bagels, blueberries, cereal, sponge)
Listened to The Cure.
Made lunch for Nick and I.
Waiting for Nick to call more doctors. Waiting for Doctors to call my phone.



These apple slices are getting old.
Monday, April 6th, 2009
2:50 pm
second day
Today has been really rainy and nasty out so I was a little flustered this morning about going to CCP. I think the easiest way to go is by subway,  I'm going to have to figure this out. I've been on the subway, but usually Nick bought my tokens for me ahead of time at the terminal and showed me which subway to get on. There's the 'express' but that doesn't stop at every subway stop, it goes from here all the way north. I don't want to go to North Philly.
 
Well, tomorrow is my grocery shopping day. I was walking around this morning (in the rain) just to check out the scene and where the grocery stores are verses the corner stores. I found an Acme market about three streets down which is great. So I'm writing out my list of things I have to do tomorrow (errands.) Here goes so far:
Commet cleaner
Sponge
Cheese
Spinach
Hair brush?
Trash bags.
 
Last night two of my roommates and I had dinner together. Nick and Beth.
 
Nick's job is working in a fairly well known Philly film company. He does tv shows and some documentaries. He's a quiet guy, in fact, he was here all day yesterday since he works during the week, and I didn't even hear him. (He is in the room next to mine) He's kind of hipster looking, he looks kind of like he walked out of the seventies. 
 
Beth works at an office in Center City but I can't remember what company. She's really funny, for most of dinner she explained the crazy stories of people at her office and her bosses. i don't think she likes her boss much.

N. got insurance which is the best news I've heard in awhile from him. He called a few doctors today about Suboxone so now we'll have to play the waiting game for a little while. I hope he can get it. I really really hope he can get it.
 
I visited Jill and Jake's house last night. It was really nice, she litterally lives three streets up. We just hung out and played with her dog and listened to Van Morrison. It was really nice. We sat out on her patio and talked to her neighbors too.
Well, I'll have to go to CCP soon so I think it will be fine but of course, I'm just a little nervous.
 
Friday, April 3rd, 2009
8:05 pm
I...I..I..I...I... I need you
Listening to two of hearts tonight. last night in town before moving to Philly. I'm going to miss this place. Little cafes. Buses with almost nobody on them. Benson's house just two streets down. Old lady water aerobics. I wish I had been able to go to the dawning more. I miss that place. Just like I miss Niccolo.
Sunday, March 29th, 2009
8:18 pm
summer time
I can't wait for the big metal cars to roll by real slow on the block blasting that will smith song 'summertime'. I love Spring - everything comes alive and the city is going to be a summer dream. I hope it doesn't pop. I like water ice and the kids riding bicycles with their girls sitting on the handle bars. Hands in the air, and they are shrieking past the millionth chinese food store. I like the radio's balancing on windowsils while blasting smooth jazz or funk and blues.  Strutting music.  Brawling Season. Summer time.
Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
4:48 pm
move on up
I am moving into the house on 7th and Wharton  (philly!) on April 4th.  i'm super psyched- the house looks really nice. It's newly renovated and clean. Hardwood floors, big kitchen, three roommates who seem like they keep to themselves most of the time.  And.... it's on the east side. yay! I'm never going back to the west. hehe

It was an ineresting trip.  I stayed at Jess's house and we hung out for awhile together. In the morning Matt couldn't get his fix so he started yelling and screamin because jess was 'such a bitch' because she wouldn't buy him drugs and left him to fend for himself with out ANY drugs! (oh no) then he thought it would be a good idea for TWO HOURS to throw dishes against the walls, scream at the top of his lungs how he was goin to 'kill everyone in the house' and tried to provoke other roommates to fight him. I'm so glad I will not have to live in that house again. I love jess, but honestly- I can't put up with people like that. I felt really bad for Nick.

As I left, I yelled up at Nicks window (it faces the street)  'astalavista' and head up to Center city on the 17.  I'll see him in about ten days. I hope things get straightened out for him.
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